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In China there are over 2,000 orphanages and only
200 or so are involved in international adoptions. So my daughter’s finding place
would be a crucial factor in the direction of her life. My daughter’s birth
mother is someone with whom I feel a deep connection. I am forever thankful to her
for her sacrifice and for not aborting Hong Mei or allowing her to be killed at
birth so that as a birth mother she would not have to face the lifelong heartache
of not knowing the fate of her child. The Chinese have a saying that a private sorrow
of this magnitude is like a “broken arm hidden in a sleeve”. For this reason I pray
at night for Hong Mei’s birth mother that somehow the Holy Spirit will be able to
comfort her and let her know that Hong Mei lives, is safe and well.
We started our adoption paperwork in May 2006;
in July 2006 we received our daughter’s file. We went about our adoption differently
than most families. Typically an adoptive family will complete their paperwork and
wait eighteen months or more for the Chinese government officials to select a baby
and to send them a referral file that has the picture and information of that healthy
baby. We instead wanted to adopt a waiting child. A waiting child is
a child that is older or has special needs. A waiting child’s files are ready and
waiting for a family to select them. Typically the process is much faster, but comes
with greater challenges.
A big part of my research was to get comfortable
with what ever special need my child would have. I researched spina bifida, cleft
palate and lip, Hepatitis, and various other special needs. We had just filled out
the first of our paperwork when in July 2006 the new waiting child list came out.
A new list of waiting children comes out about every three or four months.
The list includes pictures and a brief synopsis about each child. Once we
had approval from our agency, we could access the list and apply for a child.
On the morning the list was released, I got on the web and started going through
the list and submitting applications. As soon as a child is matched with a
prospective parent, the child’s file goes off of active status. I reviewed the list
of about twenty-five children. In a few minutes, I had filled out a request forms
stating that we would be willing to adopt any one of five girls on the list. This
was the only time that I felt badly about the process. After all, how many
parents get to “pick” their child after I finished the application, I went into
the bathroom and threw up.
Later that day, the social worker called
and told us that they felt that we would be good parents for two year old Hong Mei
with a special need of Hepatitis B. They faxed us her file. We looked at a
few pictures of our beautiful daughter. Hong Mei was dressed in traditional
padded clothes with spilt pants. She looked up passively and forlorn at the camera
as her picture was snapped. Her report from her caretaker told us that she
was “a handful”. We were in love!! I have no idea the criteria for us to be
matched with Hong Mei. Every day it seems to be more of a miracle and a blessing
that she was given to us.
We rushed to finish the long and complicated process
of getting our file together. We finished our home study. This is a
process where a social worker determines if you are/will be fit parents. Both
Mike, our oldest son and I under went extensive background checks. Mike even
had to fess up that he was once had a mug shot and fingerprints taken because of
an expired driver’s license. We ordered copies of our (including the kids) birth
and marriage certificates. Everyone had a physical and reports were written that
everyone is healthy. We applied for Hong Mei’s immigrant status and our travel visas.
When this was all completed every page had to be notarized and then certified by
the county, state and Federal government. Our file was then sent to be certified
and approved by the Chinese embassy. Finally all the t’s were crossed and
the i’s dotted and our file was sent off to China. We waited for almost six months
for the Chinese officials to tell us when we could travel to pick up our child.
During the time we waited we had her picture taped to the fridge and every day we
prayed that she was safe and well-cared for. When word finally came, we were
told to be in China in three weeks. (There is no negotiation about travel
dates. The Chinese government is not used to making accommodations.) In retrospect
those three weeks were a whirlwind as we prepared for our journey of love to Hong
Mei.
Having had biological children and now an adopted
child I can witness that I had the same feelings while “paper pregnant” for my adopted
daughter as for my biological children. I do have to add that many people thought
we had lost our minds. After all we had four children already; our oldest was already
an adult. We were starting over with a toddler with both of us in our mid-forties.
Nevertheless we felt that we were called of God to be Hong Mei’s family; and whom
God calls He qualifies.
We flew to LA were we met up with other families
traveling to China. It was easy to pick each other out from among the Chinese traveling
home and the regular American tourists. We flew to Beijing via Guangzhou and met
up with the forty-four other families with our agency. The next day we enjoyed a
wonderful day of sight-seeing in Beijing. It took my breath away to see Tiananmen
Square, The Forbidden City and The Great Wall.
We flew from Beijing with two other families to
the province where our daughters were living. The next morning we boarded
a van and went a short distance to a government building to await the arrival of
our children. Our small group was the first of many groups of families who received
their children that day. The two other families that traveled with us received
their daughters’ moments after arriving. We had the blessed opportunity to
witness the miracle of their “Gotcha Day” along with other families that were there.
Every fifteen minutes or so a group of orphanage workers, each carrying a precious
daughter or son, entered the large room and sat in chairs against the wall. A few
minutes later a group of expectant parents joined them as the officials introduced
the parents to their children. Time was given for the new family to get better
acquainted; questions were asked and then the new families would leave. Watching
the process from near a window were I had staked out a spot where I hoped to get
my first glimpse of my daughter as she would have arrived in the parking lot. It
was like watching the ebb of the tides in the ocean. At times the room was
swollen with people and then emptied out briefly before the swell would begin again.
The sacred joy in that room was overwhelming. The spirit in that room was more palatable
than I have ever had in any other place I have ever been. Surely the angels
rejoiced that day as many of Heavenly Father’s precious children were given the
gift of family.
We were ushered into a smaller room as more people
were poured into the main conference room. About 45 minutes after we arrived,
a call came that Hong Mei was in the house. The group of people standing near
the door parted the way as a small confident little girl sauntered in. Her hair
was cut short and styled in tight pigtails. Her eyes were big in her thin face.
She wore a green Minnie mouse outfit and she carried a large red backpack. She came
to me calling us Mama and Baba. I gave her the doll we had brought to win
her love. She immediately took the doll and began to undress it just like
any good little Mama. I scooped her up in my arms and soon we left the government
building. Our little daughter was happy until we got to our hotel room. When
we closed the door to our hotel room, it was as if a door closed on Hong Mei’s previous
world. It was there that the grieving and the attachment process began.
She burst into tears and cries that did not subside for the rest of the day.
Hong Mei’s cries were not easy to bear and we mourned her loss with her. She
cried for “Grandma” who was her principle caretaker. We tried to win her love with
food and toys. Lotion ultimately calmed her down and she was able to sleep.
She woke the next morning, looked around and realized she was still in her new world,
and the tears began again. The first few days were difficult, but the outbursts
grew shorter and less frequent every day. For as long as we were in her home
town Hong Mei did not want to be in the hotel room.
We had to stay in Hong Mei’s city for almost a
week while we waited for her Chinese passport. This gave us an opportunity
to get familiar with Hong Mei’s home town, an industrial city of about two million
people. On one of our free days we visited her orphanage. The building from
the street was attractive, but inside we found that the living conditions were dismal.
The orphanage lacked heat, air-conditioning, seasonable clothes, enough food, toys,
and attention. Forever seared into my mind will be the images of babies strapped
into little brown chairs. Their diapers were open and the chairs had little
potties built-in to catch their poop. Flies crawled on their faces and flew around
their heads, scabies covered their little faces, and their expressions were blank.
The director was discussing with one of the nannies there about a baby that was
dying and if they took the long drive into the hospital whether they would make
it or not.
We flew to Guangzhou, where the U.S. Consulate
is located. We needed several days in Guangzhou to process her immigration
papers. For our entire time in China (nearly two weeks) Hong Mei would only
go to Mike (Baba). Mama was something akin to stinky cheese. My efforts to
bond with her were met with biting, pinching and hitting. This phase of attachment
was something I was ready for because of my research. I was prepared to wait
her out. Bless Mike’s heart he packed that baby in his arms everywhere we
went, fed her and got her to sleep. While we were in Hong Mei’s hometown we
took Hong Mei out and walked the streets. Often the locals would approach
us, since Hong Mei is very verbal for a three year old; she would explain why she
was with these two white people. After we arrived in Guangzhou someone who spoke
Chinese explained to us that she was
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